it finally happened..... i am disgusted at the person looking back at me in the mirror. it's not me. it's as if i'm watching a movie with someone else on the screen. i tell myself that it's not me... that i can never be like that; it's just not who i am. but i became exposed to that world... that world of yours i so wanted to see. and everything has come crashing down right in front of me. and those tears that i've shed have burnt my cheeks because of the pride i've lost. i felt so unpretty with smeared mascara surrounding my swollen eyes. i felt so cold with nobody to break my fall. with nobody to lend me a shoulder. with noone around to understand me without judging me. i told myself that it was better to bottle everything up. now i want to discard that bottle. once and for all. because i got nothing out of running in the fast lane. in that place, you get on top only to be relegated to the very bottom. you've lost all sense of who you are. i felt as if i had lost my mind. what was i thinking?

i don't want to blame you. and i'm not. but you're the very reason i've become who i have. your words, your actions, the way you looked at me... i wasn't bad enough for you. so i left my self-respect behind to chase that idea of yours so that you'd eventually see... but now i regret. i regret every bit of it. who am i? who i am to you no longer matters... i don't even know myself anymore. and i don't want to know that person i've become.

i've made up my mind... to leave it all behind. it's a chapter of a book i cannot rewrite but i'll just seal up the pages as if they never existed. i've learnt from that chapter but it's not a part of my life i want to remember. i'm leaving.

i had hoped to change you, helping you get your feet back on the ground. every girl dreams of being the one that changes a man for the better. but it's wrong to think that. it was wrong for me to get closer to you. i made every mistake... after meeting you. you've changed me. who would have thought you'd have such an effect on me? some men bring out the best in a woman; some men are pure poison. i don't want to be bad to get your attention. i don't even want your attention anymore. i tried jumping on a sinking ship. you told me not to. you warned me not to. but at the same time, you dared me. now i'm going to remove myself from this wreck. no more of this. no more.

So I’m taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I’m drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you’d be inclined to be mine for the taking
You’re part of this terrible mess that I’m making
But you, you’re the catalyst