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Original: 5/31/2007 4:26 AM
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Thursday, May 31, 2007

no more waiting

 

days go by and anticipation turns into anxiety. why am i waiting? why am i still waiting? i close my eyes and nod, telling myself that he was never smiling at me... after all, i'm just an ordinary girl in that world of his i never actually got to be a part of. i must've misinterpreted his gestures. i must've misread the smile on his face. it wasn't because of me. it never was me. so now i have to slowly delete him from my life. his face, his smile, where and how we met. it was nothing.

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
...'Cus love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up

- Anna Nalick - Wreck Of The Day

it's funny... you meet a guy one night and you are head over heels for him because you think to yourself "...finally someone genuine". but then it turns out that it was all in your head. so you ask why noone genuine ever comes into your life...
and then after a while someone like that really does come knocking on your door. but you can't return his feelings. it's not what you want. it's as if you only desire the ones that are bad for you. it's as if you're addicted to the pain. the guy pulled my seat up, closer to his. he faced me and looked me in the eyes. it's not that he knew the right words to say. i've heard them all before. it wasn't like that. i remember the feeling that flowed through my body when i realised how real this guy was. why did my eyes start to water? why did i feel the way i did when this guy spoke softly to me? perhaps i felt guilty because i knew i couldn't return anything to him... that night, someone else's name, someone else's face were in my thoughts. i thought i was over him. i thought he was gone from my life. but i realised he wasn't. i held back my tears and my chest grew sore perhaps because i felt i didn't deserve someone so nice sitting right in front of me. a good friend once said that i should find a guy who not just tells me that i'm 'cute' or that i am 'pretty'... that i need a guy who'd tell me that i'm 'beautiful'. and now there's someone who's willing to say it. but i can't have feelings for the guy. he's just not my type. i'm still stuck on other boys i met before...

timing is something that's never really been on my side when it comes to relationships. i'm leaving sydney again soon so i don't want to begin anything with anyone here. i need a break from this life, guys included, anyway. i just want to forget so many things... i just want to leave things behind and have another fresh start. i tell myself 'no more waiting'.

 Posted 5/31/2007 4:26 AM - 15 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments

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