it's been months since i last spoke my mind here. it's been a whirlwind of a ride for me... how it feels to be thrown and tossed around but to get back up and look back on the experience... sometimes you'd rather have avoided it all but had i known better, i probably would have attached myself to the torment once over.

you never really know what exactly you're getting yourself into when you take that step, that leap of faith, that dive over the cliff. sometimes you fly, sometimes you float, sometimes you fall. you just can't be sure. we all say we'd do things differently but going back and making different choices requires you to go back and change the person you were... who i am now is a product of who i had been, however much i dislike that being, that self that once was at the point in time i loathe most.

you make mistakes and you learn. often you learn the hard way. there are times when it takes several mistakes for you to learn the lesson. for me, i made one mistake and that very mistake led to further mistakes in its shadow. for me, there are mistakes that one regrets and mistakes that are necessary for one's maturity. i've learnt to swallow these mistakes, these deep cuts... it's been tough but every time i catch a glimpse of the scars left, i am reminded of what i have learnt; the valuable lessons i've learnt; the painful lessons i've learnt.

you can't erase a whole part of your life. you can't erase meaningful memories. you don't just wake up one day and say that certain things never happened. but what i'm slowly learning to do is to pretend that these people just never existed. that i had never chanced to meet them. that way, it becomes easier living my life; it becomes bearable.

whats worst is being punished for someone else's mistake. what did i do that was so wrong for someone to distrust me, to hate me, to not want to speak to me ever again? i concede, i had made my own mistakes in the past but i just want to know why i am being punished over and over again for this mistake when it had been known from the very beginning... i can't take back things that have happened however much i want to. i can't be sorry every single moment for making one bad decision in the past. what did i do that was so wrong?