pwincezz's Xanga

unravelling my latest mistake

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:54:25 GMT

it's been months since i last spoke my mind here. it's been a whirlwind of a ride for me... how it feels to be thrown and tossed around but to get back up and look back on the experience... sometimes you'd rather have avoided it all but had i known better, i probably would have attached myself to the torment once over.

you never really know what exactly you're getting yourself into when you take that step, that leap of faith, that dive over the cliff. sometimes you fly, sometimes you float, sometimes you fall. you just can't be sure. we all say we'd do things differently but going back and making different choices requires you to go back and change the person you were... who i am now is a product of who i had been, however much i dislike that being, that self that once was at the point in time i loathe most.

you make mistakes and you learn. often you learn the hard way. there are times when it takes several mistakes for you to learn the lesson. for me, i made one mistake and that very mistake led to further mistakes in its shadow. for me, there are mistakes that one regrets and mistakes that are necessary for one's maturity. i've learnt to swallow these mistakes, these deep cuts... it's been tough but every time i catch a glimpse of the scars left, i am reminded of what i have learnt; the valuable lessons i've learnt; the painful lessons i've learnt.

you can't erase a whole part of your life. you can't erase meaningful memories. you don't just wake up one day and say that certain things never happened. but what i'm slowly learning to do is to pretend that these people just never existed. that i had never chanced to meet them. that way, it becomes easier living my life; it becomes bearable.

whats worst is being punished for someone else's mistake. what did i do that was so wrong for someone to distrust me, to hate me, to not want to speak to me ever again? i concede, i had made my own mistakes in the past but i just want to know why i am being punished over and over again for this mistake when it had been known from the very beginning... i can't take back things that have happened however much i want to. i can't be sorry every single moment for making one bad decision in the past. what did i do that was so wrong?

just gotta be patient

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 11:32:36 GMT

miss sixty says: why are you so ''sure''?
мп] мікє lovεs ρiα | says: cause things just have a way of working themselves out; we just got to be patient

the one i can't forget

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 07:16:40 GMT

i went back to the place i met 'him' in the hope to see him and his smile at least once more before i was to leave sydney again. i caught a glimpse of him, not even his face, his eyes, his smile. from a distance i saw that glimpse of him and that was enough.

never did i think i'd meet someone else that night, though. don't think i've been treated this good by a guy before. i wonder what i must have done to have someone so good come into my life. i miss him already.

Haven't you heard?
I'm stuck on a face
I'm stuck on a boy who fills me with joy
I knew I was wrong to
jump straight on into the picture so pretty
But he is so pretty to me

And he doesn't know just how far I would go
Just to kiss him
He doesn't doesn't know I pine

So I make whirlpools
And watch him sparkle
And we'll make love make magic

And haven't you heard?
I thought I had first
And he loves me so
We're two in a row
Just look in his eyes
They're blue as the skies
a picture so pretty
but he is so pretty to me

So I make whirlpools
And watch him sparkle
And we'll make love make magic

But I couldn't tell you
Just tell that it takes you
'Cause words don't make
what I make with you

Haven't you heard?
I'm stuck on a face
I'm stuck on a boy who fills me with joy
I knew I was wrong
to jump straight on into this picture so pretty
but he is so pretty to me

- Kate Walsh - "Your Song"

no more waiting

Wed, 30 May 2007 16:26:34 GMT

days go by and anticipation turns into anxiety. why am i waiting? why am i still waiting? i close my eyes and nod, telling myself that he was never smiling at me... after all, i'm just an ordinary girl in that world of his i never actually got to be a part of. i must've misinterpreted his gestures. i must've misread the smile on his face. it wasn't because of me. it never was me. so now i have to slowly delete him from my life. his face, his smile, where and how we met. it was nothing.

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
...'Cus love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up

- Anna Nalick - Wreck Of The Day

it's funny... you meet a guy one night and you are head over heels for him because you think to yourself "...finally someone genuine". but then it turns out that it was all in your head. so you ask why noone genuine ever comes into your life...
and then after a while someone like that really does come knocking on your door. but you can't return his feelings. it's not what you want. it's as if you only desire the ones that are bad for you. it's as if you're addicted to the pain. the guy pulled my seat up, closer to his. he faced me and looked me in the eyes. it's not that he knew the right words to say. i've heard them all before. it wasn't like that. i remember the feeling that flowed through my body when i realised how real this guy was. why did my eyes start to water? why did i feel the way i did when this guy spoke softly to me? perhaps i felt guilty because i knew i couldn't return anything to him... that night, someone else's name, someone else's face were in my thoughts. i thought i was over him. i thought he was gone from my life. but i realised he wasn't. i held back my tears and my chest grew sore perhaps because i felt i didn't deserve someone so nice sitting right in front of me. a good friend once said that i should find a guy who not just tells me that i'm 'cute' or that i am 'pretty'... that i need a guy who'd tell me that i'm 'beautiful'. and now there's someone who's willing to say it. but i can't have feelings for the guy. he's just not my type. i'm still stuck on other boys i met before...

timing is something that's never really been on my side when it comes to relationships. i'm leaving sydney again soon so i don't want to begin anything with anyone here. i need a break from this life, guys included, anyway. i just want to forget so many things... i just want to leave things behind and have another fresh start. i tell myself 'no more waiting'.

you're the catalyst

Sun, 20 May 2007 14:52:59 GMT

it finally happened..... i am disgusted at the person looking back at me in the mirror. it's not me. it's as if i'm watching a movie with someone else on the screen. i tell myself that it's not me... that i can never be like that; it's just not who i am. but i became exposed to that world... that world of yours i so wanted to see. and everything has come crashing down right in front of me. and those tears that i've shed have burnt my cheeks because of the pride i've lost. i felt so unpretty with smeared mascara surrounding my swollen eyes. i felt so cold with nobody to break my fall. with nobody to lend me a shoulder. with noone around to understand me without judging me. i told myself that it was better to bottle everything up. now i want to discard that bottle. once and for all. because i got nothing out of running in the fast lane. in that place, you get on top only to be relegated to the very bottom. you've lost all sense of who you are. i felt as if i had lost my mind. what was i thinking?

i don't want to blame you. and i'm not. but you're the very reason i've become who i have. your words, your actions, the way you looked at me... i wasn't bad enough for you. so i left my self-respect behind to chase that idea of yours so that you'd eventually see... but now i regret. i regret every bit of it. who am i? who i am to you no longer matters... i don't even know myself anymore. and i don't want to know that person i've become.

i've made up my mind... to leave it all behind. it's a chapter of a book i cannot rewrite but i'll just seal up the pages as if they never existed. i've learnt from that chapter but it's not a part of my life i want to remember. i'm leaving.

i had hoped to change you, helping you get your feet back on the ground. every girl dreams of being the one that changes a man for the better. but it's wrong to think that. it was wrong for me to get closer to you. i made every mistake... after meeting you. you've changed me. who would have thought you'd have such an effect on me? some men bring out the best in a woman; some men are pure poison. i don't want to be bad to get your attention. i don't even want your attention anymore. i tried jumping on a sinking ship. you told me not to. you warned me not to. but at the same time, you dared me. now i'm going to remove myself from this wreck. no more of this. no more.

So I’m taking these pills for to fill up my soul
And I’m drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you’d be inclined to be mine for the taking
You’re part of this terrible mess that I’m making
But you, you’re the catalyst

Anna Nalick - Catalyst

something real

Mon, 14 May 2007 16:34:02 GMT

with all the unhappy things surrounding me, i am being told to let go; to let go of all the potential relationships in front of me at the moment. cos i need a break, a proper break from all the headaches these relationships have caused me lately. 'slow it down, my friends say. but i like fast-paced and i suppose that's all i've known. i just wanna close my eyes and have a good rest without any interruptions for a moment while these guys make up their minds. i don't wanna be caught in the crossfire with games. i'm tired. i just need something solid, something real. and i don't wanna have to wait around for it either. my impatience gets the better of me.

the smile i wanna see again

Sat, 12 May 2007 19:26:46 GMT

you never said the word 'sorry' to me so it makes me wonder if i was the one at fault or if the reason why you never said it was because you didn't care to begin with. i was quick to blame you for what happened yesterday. you explained to me this morning what happened but i don't know whether i should believe you or not. i've heard it all before from guys. and your reasoning was no exception. it's one of those cliched excuses. but in all honesty, i did you wrong. but i can't turn back time... 15 minutes can change everything.

what am i to do? either you are upset at me or you are being a jerk. so either way, it can't be good. i'm trying to make sense of your words. they are so cold. i worry that i'll never hear from you again... just because of a simple misunderstanding. i don't like to apologise to people myself. but if it takes swallowing my pride, i'll do it. just so you know that i'm for real.

when it comes to guys like you, i have so many doubts. i fear so much. but at the same time, i am curious about you and i absolutely adore your smile.
and then there's the sunshine that comes from your eyes
it lights up the world from inside
i can see me smiling.

i really want to see you again. let me make it up to you.

the word 'sorry'

Fri, 11 May 2007 05:57:29 GMT

don't ever begin your explanations with the word "sorry". once i hear that word, there's no point in continuing because i won't want to hear any more. i hate the word so much. and i don't like how people throw it around. how often do people truly mean that they're sorry once they've said it? don't apologise to me. especially for all the small things. i don't like the way the word makes me feel when i hear someone say it to me. it makes me feel bad for something someone else has done. don't apologise to me because once i hear the word SORRY it makes me believe that you have done something really really bad.

been losing myself

Tue, 08 May 2007 11:57:23 GMT

i'm losing myself in your ambiguous words.
i've changed myself to satisfy someone else and now i'm not too sure who i am anymore. i don't know if i can go back because i'm no longer that person. what's done is done. and i'm not sure if i want to continue the way i am either. when i look at myself in the mirror i ask myself if i know this person.

i want to start on a clean slate. i want to make a clean getaway and be just who i want to be. without a dark history, a past overshadowing me. and i don't want to be judged anymore. maybe it's not that i'm trying to be someone i'm not. perhaps i'm just learning to be who i really am rather than be the person everybody expects me to be.

karma

Mon, 07 May 2007 17:02:18 GMT

you better believe in it.
sometimes it may not seem so but just have faith that every good deed does not go unrewarded.
and as for the bad things you do, if guilt doesn't get you first, the laws of the universe will... what comes around goes around.

i fed a hungry man living on the streets today. it felt good.